[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
And before we begin this evening,
just a quick word regarding last night's attacks in London,
where seven people were killed
and multiple people were injured.
Obviously, our thoughts go out to everyone affected,
but as a British person living in America,
I feel compelled to address a certain theme
that emerged through American coverage of this tragedy.
- The UK is reeling this morning
from yet another terrorist attack.
- A city reeling from a terror attack...
- The UK under siege, essentially.
- London is under siege.
- This is a country and a city
that feels, in some ways, David,
under siege.
- Okay, here's the thing.
For the record, in no way
is Britain under siege.
Is it upset? Yes.
Is it pissed off?
Oh, you fucking bet it's pissed off.
But to say it's under siege and that its people are reeling
is to imply that it's somehow weak enough
to be brought to its knees by three monumental assholes.
And that, as an idea, is insulting.
In fact, British people were so irritated by headlines
about Britain reeling,
like this one in "The New York Times,"
they took to Twitter this morning,
using the hashtag: ThingsThatLeaveBritainReeling
to show things that, unlike terrorists,
actually do have the ability to rock them to their very core,
like, "Accidental eye contact on the tube or in a lift,"
and "When people make tea in the microwave."
I can't believe, with a gif of a monkey screaming.
Honestly, it was an uplifting demonstration
of quintessentially British defiance,
because the British people are never going to let
terror change their way of life.
And if you need proof of this, just look at this footage
of people being evacuated from the scene.
You see that one guy there?
He refused to leave his pint of beer behind.
That is a one-man, walking, "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster.
But perhaps my favorite reaction of all came from this man,
who was in a restaurant and witnessed the attacks firsthand.
He actually went back to that restaurant this morning
to try and pay his bill and tip the staff.
And when a reporter asked whether he was worried
about his safety, this was his incredible response.
- We're not gonna let these people win.
And I keep saying,
if me having a gin and tonic with my friends,
flirting with handsome men,
hanging out with brilliant women,
is what offends these people so much,
I'm gonna do it more, not less,
because that's what makes London so great.
[cheers and applause] - Fuck yeah, it is!
Fuck yes, it is!
And I hope, I sincerely hope,
that that guy is out on the town tonight,
pounding down gin and tonics
and flirting with every man he sees.
To you, sir, I say this: cheers.
[cheers and applause]
Cheers to you.
But for now...
for now tonight, let's move on to Vladimir Putin,
perhaps the biggest threat to the United States
after the President of the United States.
Putin was seemingly everywhere this week,
appearing in newly released clips
for the upcoming Oliver Stone series on him,
which looks like a truly depressing episode
of "Carpool Karaoke."
And also appearing tonight as guest of honor
on Megyn Kelly's new NBC show, which I assume is called,
"Forget Everything I Said on Fox Since 2004 with Megyn Kelly."
But the most notable thing Putin said this week
was when he admitted for the very first time
that Russian citizens may have been involved
in hacking the U.S. election.
- [speaking Russian]
- Hackers are free-spirited people,
like artists.
If they wake up in the morning in a good mood,
they paint pictures.
Same way with hackers.
They wake up one morning,
read that something is going on
in international relations,
and if they are patriotically minded,
they begin to contribute in their own way,
which they feel is right.
- Oh, sure.
Hackers are just artistic types
looking for inspiration.
They're like an improv troupe who said,
"All we need is a location to get started,"
and someone in the audience shouted,
"Inside the email server at the DNC!"
Now, Putin's coy answer there has now just added smoke
to the concerns about Russia's connections
to the Trump administration,
smoke that got ever so slightly thicker this week
after some news that got a bit lost in other developments.
- All right, the "Washington Post"
now out with a report alleging
the Trump White House is looking to give Russia back
its compounds in Maryland and New York.
Russian officials were ousted from those diplomatic compounds
by the Obama administration in late December
in a direct response to Moscow's interference
in the 2016 election.
- Yes, it seems the U.S. is considering
giving Russia back two compounds,
which have, since the Reagan era,
been associated with spying on Americans.
Because with Trump in office,
it seems Putin is about as likely to get what he wants
as a Make-A-Wish kid who just wants to meet
Jason Mraz.
Really?
Oh, no, Jason's definitely available,
I'm just saying...really?
[laughter]
And the reason this is potentially so worrying
is that the compounds are directly connected
to the scandal that tripped up Michael Flynn,
a man whose very face answers the question,
"What if an eagle hated Muslims?"
Now, you may remember that Flynn got in trouble
for misleading answers about phone calls
with Russia's ambassador during the Trump transition,
and one subject of those phone calls
was allegedly whether Donald Trump would roll back
sanctions on Russia, sanctions that included
closing these two compounds.
And now it seems that not only may that happen,
but we're not really expecting much in return.
- So the Trump administration appears to be willing
to--to give back those two compounds,
one in Maryland, and one in New York,
to the Russians that had been seized
by the Obama administration,
but it--but Russia's not coming to the table
to give us anything back.
- And that is why this looks so bad.
Trump may be handing the Russians back compounds
from which they have reportedly spied on us
in the midst of a special counsel investigating
whether his campaign colluded with Russia,
an investigation that includes the issue
of those very compounds he may now be returning,
and he could be doing all of this while receiving
nothing for America in return.
And at this point, I honestly kind of hope
Putin does have a golden shower tape of him,
because otherwise,
Trump is the worst dealmaker in human history,
which shouldn't really be a surprise,
because we all remember
the name of his famous book: "The Art of the...
"Look, I Never Wanted Any of This.
"I'm Way Out of My Depth.
"This Was Just A Branding Exercise That Got Out of Hand.
"Oh, My God, the Russians Are On the Phone Again.
"Tell Them I'm Not Here, Jared.
"What Did You Do? What Did you Do, Jared?
Oh, Shiiiit!"
[cheers and applause]
And now, this.
- Does that not strike you as incredibly cynical?
- It is. It's incredibly cynical.
That's exactly what it is.
- So do you see this as a moral obligation?
- Yeah. It's a moral obligation.
- Well, it was classified information.
- It was classified information.
- Effected an overwhelming response...
- Effected an overwhelming response.
- And empowering a criminal network.
- And you're empowering a criminal network.
- It was just a coincidence? - It was just a coincidence.
- And it takes off. - It takes off.
- That's why it's powerful? - That's why it's powerful.
- Same way. - The same way.
- And you're five years old? - And I'm five years old.
- 500 a day? - 500 a day.
- Half a billion dollars. - Half a billion dollars.
- In cash? - In cash.
- Divided. - Divided.
- You wanted more. - I wanted more.
- So that's your shtick? - My shtick, yeah.
[clock ticking]
- Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns Earth,
the adopted home world of Bjork.
What...are you?
[laughter]
Now, the reason we have to talk about Earth tonight is this.
- President Trump revealing his decision to the country,
to the world.
"We're out," he says,
pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord.
- I was elected to represent...
the citizens of Pittsburgh.
Not Paris.
- Okay, first, relax.
No one for a second thought that you represented Paris.
Partly because everyone knows Paris is represented
by a smoking French bulldog who found the first course
to be derivative and jejune.
But it is true.
This week, Trump announced he would pull out
of the Paris Climate Agreement,
which is hardly surprising.
As a title, it is so off-brand for him,
it might as well have been called
"The Globalist Cuck Surrender"
or "A Light Jog."
Yet--yet, pulling out of this is a huge deal,
and to understand why, it helps to keep in mind
one key number, and it's 2 degrees Celsius.
Now, it's a bit of a shorthand,
but the concern is that if we fail
to limit temperature rise to that number,
things get very bad and potentially irreversible.
- Scientists say we'll likely see
longer droughts and more intense heat waves,
which could cause big disruptions
to the world's food supply.
- If we don't start with rapid emissions reductions
and substantial emissions reductions,
then we'll pass a danger point
beyond which the consequences for many people
in countries on Earth will simply become unacceptable
and eventually disastrous.
- It's true, and we are not talking about
a fictional apocalypse,
like the one in the movie "2012."
We're talking about an actual global disaster,
like the movie "2012."
And the serious danger may actually be more imminent
than you think.
One estimate says that to have a good chance
of avoiding the 2 degree threshold,
human emissions of CO2 should stay below this level in total.
This is our so-called carbon budget,
and by the end of last year, we were estimated
to already be up to here.
And if current emission trends continue,
we would go above that critical line in about 20 years.
And that is not a long time.
20 years ago, "South Park" was on TV,
Foo Fighters were touring,
and Paul Rudd looked like this.
What I'm saying is, 20 years ago was basically now.
So, the Paris Agreement's central aim
was to try and keep our global temperature rise
below that 2 degree threshold,
and to do that, each signaturee would set their own goals
with a plan to reconvene every five years
to ideally set more ambitious targets.
And look, it was not perfect.
Some critics at the time felt that it did not go far enough,
but the key achievement was, for the very first time,
getting virtually the entire world,
including China and India,
to commit to taking action.
It was a historic moment, and it was celebrated like this.
- The moment the world agreed
to tackle climate change.
- [speaking French]
[cheers and applause]
- And so, the Paris Agreement was born,
and emotions spilled over.
So much so that Laurent Fabius banged the gavel again.
- [speaking French]
- So, I have been asked to bang the gavel again.
It's a little gavel,
but I think it can do great things.
- Okay. Okay, listen.
Listen, I'll say this.
If you are trying to convince people
of the gravity of a moment,
maybe don't use such a humiliatingly shitty gavel,
because it just undercuts what you're trying to say.
It would not be appropriate for a judge
to conclude a death penalty case by saying,
"I hereby sentence you to hang by the neck until dead.
May God have mercy upon your soul."
[gavel squeaks]
Right?
[gavel squeaking] Solemn moment!
Solemn moment for everybody.
So--so why did Trump announce
that he would pull out this week?
Well, one clue may have come
during his speech on Thursday
when he actually talked about that happy celebration
that you just saw, but seemed to see
something sinister in it.
- The rest of the world applauded
when we signed the Paris Agreement.
They went wild. They were so happy.
For the simple reason
that it put our country,
the United States of America,
which we all love,
at a very, very big economic disadvantage.
- What are you talking about?
They were happy because they secured a landmark victory
for the future of the planet,
you fucking egomaniac!
The whole world is not secretly conspiring
against the United States.
The only thing the whole world is secretly conspiring to do
is convince everyone that there are two Olsen twins.
There is no way. It is just one girl
moving very quickly backwards and forwards.
It's an optical illusion.
The Olsen twins thing is a massive scam,
and the whole world is in on it,
and the only thing that I don't quite know yet is why.
But we don't have time to get into it.
The point is, if the agreement was a scheme
to hurt American businesses,
you know who that might be news to?
Many American businesses,
because they were not just in favor of this agreement,
they even made a last-ditch attempt
to change Trump's mind.
- 25 companies, including Microsoft and Intel,
have purchased a full page ad
in today's "New York Times" arguing...
- Well, come on, I mean, he was clearly
never going to be convinced by an ad
in "The New York Times."
How was he going to see it?
If those companies really wanted to get his attention,
they needed to talk KFC into putting out a full bucket ad,
which he would read on the toilet
while eating chicken
because that, at its core,
is who our president is.
But it turned out--
it turned out that rather than listening to those companies,
the president was getting advice
from climate change skeptics,
like his EPA chief, Scott Pruitt,
and human custody hearing, Steve Bannon.
Although, really, Trump's actions were in keeping
with a long-held skepticism that he has
concerning climate change.
He has called it, "expensive bullshit"
and a hoax created by China,
and he repeatedly brought that idea up
on the campaign trail, often before
losing track of what he was talking about,
and performing real-time word association.
- China isn't abiding by anything.
They're buying all of our coal.
We can't use coal anymore, essentially.
They're buying our coal and they're using it.
Now when you talk about the planet,
it's so big out there.
We're here, they're there.
It's like they're our next door neighbor, right?
In terms of the universe.
Miss Universe, by the way,
made a great deal when I sold it.
Oh, did I get rich.
That was a great deal. Oh.
You know, they broke my choppers on that.
They said, "He talks about illegal immigration.
We're not gonna put him on television."
First of all, Univision's being sued like crazy.
You wouldn't believe it.
And NBC, I made a great deal with them,
just like an amazing deal.
- Why can't you finish a thought?
Why can't you finish a thought?
That is--that was 36 seconds
touching on at least seven different topics,
including the non-phrase "broke my choppers,"
and yet, he did not conclude a single thought there.
A goldfish would hear that speech and go,
"Hey, hey, hey, focus, get back to China!
"You were talking about China.
"What is wrong with this--
oh, God, I'm drowning!"
And, look,
when you combine Trump's lack of attention to detail
with his deep-rooted paranoia,
you get the wildly misleading reasons
that he cited on Thursday for pulling out of Paris.
For instance, he seemed to think the agreement
committed America to shutting down coal-fired power plants.
- China will be allowed to build hundreds
of additional coal plants.
So we can't build the plants,
but they can.
According to this agreement.
India will be allowed to double
its coal production
by 2020.
Think of it.
India can double their coal production.
We're supposed to get rid of ours.
- Okay, for the record,
the agreement doesn't actually ban America
from building coal plants.
It doesn't even contain the word "coal."
Each--each country sets its own goals
that it can meet however it wants,
so that is wrong-- that's just wrong.
As is the fact that Trump said in his speech,
America would "continue to be the cleanest
and most environmentally friendly country on Earth."
Which is objectively untrue,
because over history, the U.S. has emitted,
by far, more carbon than any other country,
and we still emit more per person
than almost any other nation.
So that's like Mark Wahlberg saying he's going to
continue to be the best dentist on the planet.
How? How are you going to do that?
That's not what you are, Mark.
Maybe you could decide to do that one day,
but you're definitely not doing it now.
Then there is Trump's concern over the Green Climate Fund,
which finances projects in developing nations
helping them adapt to the impacts of climate change
and reduce their emissions.
Watch now as Trump describes that fund.
- The Green Fund would likely
obligate the United States
to commit
potentially tens of billions of dollars
of which the United States had already handed over
one billion dollars.
Nobody else is even close.
- Okay. Okay.
Now, to his credit, that is actually
an impressive amount of misleading bullshit
in very few words.
In fact, here is everything that he just said.
Let's break those words down.
First, "The Green Fund."
It's not called "The Green Fund."
It's called "The Green Climate Fund."
I know, but still.
Then, "Would likely obligate the United States
to commit" money.
There is no enforcement mechanism
in the Paris Agreement.
The U.S. could just easily refuse to pay the bill,
something Donald Trump has a lifetime
of practice doing.
As for the "potentially tens of billions of dollars,"
no, we committed $3 billion.
You can't just inflate three to "potentially tens."
I can't say that you have had potentially tens
of failed marriages.
I can only say you've had three, because you have.
You have had three failed marriages,
and yes, I am very much including your current one.
And--and finally--
finally, "nobody else is even close
to paying more."
That is just willfully misleading.
While we have given the most so far in sheer dollars,
we are one of the richest countries
and one of the top emitters,
and when you rank contributions as a fraction of GDP,
we are 32nd,
so Trump's description of the agreement
is so flamboyantly deceptive,
it would have been equally accurate for him to say,
"Compliance with the Paris Agreement would likely
"require all ducks to wear jean shorts,
"and that it would potentially cost
"each and every American citizen
five fish and a dump truck full of hamsters."
That would be as true as what he just said.
And even... [applause]
Even when he tried to strike a reassuring tone,
he got it wrong.
- So we're getting out.
But we will start to negotiate
and we will see if we can make a deal that's fair,
and if we can, that's great.
And if we can't, that's fine.
- Except no.
It is not fine, is it?
Because the leaders of Germany, France, and Italy
said in a statement,
"We firmly believe that the Paris Agreement
cannot be renegotiated."
And I would not test Europe's leaders
when it comes to pulling out
of a major international agreement.
Britain is trying that bullshit right now with Brexit,
and maybe you can send your demands
to same email address that Europe set up for that.
It's: Lick.OurNuts @GoFuckYourselves.eu.
So drop them a line.
Drop them a line. They'll answer.
But I have saved Trump's most ludicrous misunderstanding
of the agreement for last,
because for a man who cites the agreement's strict,
onerous, and draconian terms,
what he does not seem to comprehend
is each nation sets its own goals, remember,
and more important, the whole thing is fucking voluntary.
- The agreement, as a whole,
is not legally binding,
and doesn't penalize nations
who fail to meet their commitments.
But it does include a process designed to shame them
into compliance.
- It's true. The only penalty was shame.
And unfortunately, this president is completely immune
to the very concept of that.
If they even tried to shame him into compliance,
he could just hold up this photo
of him in a too-short bathrobe
on what appears to be a child's bed, and say,
"I posed for that.
You cannot hurt me any more than I've already hurt myself."
And at this point, you may be thinking,
"Well, hold on, if it's all voluntary,
then what is the harm in leaving?"
Well, the truth is, it's substantial.
And let's start with just the harm
to America's standing in the world alone,
because Trump's decision to leave this agreement
has pissed off almost everyone.
- This morning, German Chancellor
Angela Merkel called it,
"Extremely regrettable."
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
called it, "Disheartening."
And the Vatican went further, saying,
Mr. Trump's decision was a "disaster for everyone."
- Wow. Think about that.
We are getting shit-talked by the Vatican.
And not by Nazi pope-- the cool one.
That's worse.
That is like getting into a Twitter fight
with the Dalai Lama.
He--he doesn't snap often,
but when he snaps, he snaps hard.
And look, that reputational harm can have real costs
for businesses abroad.
One environmental negotiator who worked
in the George W. Bush administration
described this decision as...
And that is rough,
because a bad association can stick with a brand
for a long time.
Just ask Sexual Assault Pudding Cups,
Double Murder Car Rentals,
or Mr. Touchy's Fresh and Tasty Pedo Sandwiches.
And then--
then, there is the harm to American workers.
the very people Trump is claiming to protect,
Because most of the world now realizes
that in order to reduce emissions,
we need to shift to renewable forms of energy,
and the more a government encourages that,
the faster it happens,
the quicker costs come down,
and the more likely that that country is to be
at the forefront of a whole new industry,
creating countless jobs in the process.
And you know who knows that? China.
Or, as Trump would say, "Chiina!"
Trump just handed a huge advantage to them.
They've not only canceled plans to build more than
100 coal-fired power plants,
they're also dramatically increasing investment elsewhere.
- China plans to spend more than $360 billion
on renewable energy by 2020,
which it says will create
at least 13 million new jobs.
- So you know what, in a way,
Trump is fulfilling his campaign promise.
He is creating millions of new jobs.
He's just doing it for the wrong fucking country.
And if you want proof that the jobs of today and tomorrow
are in renewable energy, France's new president,
Emmanuel Macron, actually issued a call this week
to America's workforce.
- To all scientists engineers,
entrepreneurs,
responsible citizens who were disappointed
by the decision of the President
of the United States,
I want to say,
that they will find, in France,
a second homeland.
I call on them, come,
and work here with us.
- I guess what he's saying there is...
♪ Be our guest ♪
♪ Be our guest, put our service to the test ♪
♪ Tie a napkin 'round your-- ♪
You know what-- we don't have time for this.
Stop, stop, we don't-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Lumière. I'm sorry, Mrs. Pots.
I'm sorry, Cogsworth. You gotta go.
Quick, this is my fault.
Get the fuck out of here, you little fuckers.
[gavel squeaking] Get out, get out.
But look, the real concern--
the real concern--
the real, real concern here is that America's absence
from the Paris Agreement could make other countries
less inclined to meet their commitments,
and remember, that could quickly become catastrophic.
And that brings us to our final point.
Given that we cannot afford just to wait four years
to vote Trump out of office, what can be done now?
Well, for starters, companies need to continue
to step up, and to their credit,
some, like Walmart and Bank of America,
have set deadlines to power themselves
completely with renewable energy,
and nearly half of the Fortune 500 companies,
including Philip Morris International,
have pledged to reduce their carbon footprints
in the coming years.
That is right.
This is a story where Walmart,
Bank of America, and Philip Morris
end up being the good guys.
Which just feels inherently surprising.
It's like I just said, "Great news, everyone.
"Ebola, ISIS, and that dentist who shot Cecil the lion
"are gonna save the planet for us!
"Thanks, guys! You're the best!
You are the best!"
And look, look, it is not just companies stepping up.
In the wake of Trump's decision,
multiple governors have announced their intention
to hold themselves to the Paris Agreement goals,
as have many mayors, including, notably,
the mayor of Pittsburgh.
You know, the city that Trump cited as the reason
he was pulling out of the agreement.
Their mayor, Bill Peduto, was pretty clear
about what he thinks about Trump's decision.
- Pittsburgh is the poster child
of showing why the Paris Agreement
is good economics for the United States,
and what we did today
sets us back decades.
- Wow.
That is pleasantly surprising on so many levels.
Not the least of which is, I had always just assumed
that Pittsburgh's mayor was a Heinz ketchup-drenched
Lombardi trophy.
So we're all learning a lot of things tonight.
But what this means is that the onus is now on politicians
at the state and local level
to do what Donald Trump cannot be bothered to,
an unfortunately, that means that you now
need to find out where your mayor,
your governor, and even your state reps stand
on climate change, and first,
you'll have to find out who they are,
but then--then, you will need to find out
their positions and look, maybe you'll get lucky.
Maybe yours is great.
Or maybe you live in Pennsylvania
and you're represented by state senator Scott Wagner,
who has an interesting theory
for what might be causing global warming.
- I-I don't even know where to begin there.
I mean, yes, the Earth does move closer to the sun every year,
but then, it moves further away from the sun,
because that is what a fucking year is.
Our body heat is not warming the planet,
and we are clearly not doing the best we can
'cause we keep putting idiots like Scott Wagner
in positions of power.
And he is not alone.
In North Carolina, they're considering a bill
that would freeze progress that that state has made
towards renewable energy.
And one of the people who would have a vote on that
is state rep Larry Pittman.
So, what is Larry's nuanced take on climate?
- No, Larry. No.
The height of hubris is not opposing climate change
against God's will.
The height of hubris is, according to Wikipedia,
6'2" and he just pulled us out
of the Paris Agreement.
So, if your local reps resemble those guys in any way,
you are going--
you're gonna need to work
to get them out of office as soon as you can,
and all of this is going to take work, attention, and energy,
and I know that's not easy.
But Trump may have inadvertently done us a tiny favor this week,
because the problem with climate change
is that it's always felt so abstract, impersonal,
and far off into the future,
and the usual symbols that we use
don't do much to fix or help that.
It's either a graph that's difficult to understand,
or a sad polar bear on a small piece of ice.
And it's hard to get emotionally fired up over that.
I don't even know that bear. He could be a dick.
But--but finally--
finally, this week, the climate change movement
may have gotten a symbol to rally around,
because apparently, it was never quite enough
for us to motivate ourselves
out of love for this large gassy orb,
but maybe, just maybe,
we can now motivate ourselves to do something
out of our loathing of this one.
And now, this.
- We're gonna put $456 million
to go to an island of 50 people?
- The bridge to nowhere, right? - The bridge to nowhere.
- Each person has a purpose. - Each person has a purpose.
- 24 hours a day? - 24 hours a day.
- You got greedy? - I got greedy.
- Bribes and threats. - Bribes and threats.
- Bribes? - Bribes.
- Covering up tests? - Covering up tests.
- Fake urine? - Fake urine.
- You name it. - You name it.
- And that's basically what happened?
- That's basically what happened.
- Car's in charge. - Yeah, the car is in charge.
- It's locked. - It's locked.
- And this is a private home? - This is a private home.
- We're guinea pigs? - You're guinea pigs.
- That's an occupational hazard? - That's an occupational hazard.
- Genuine fake extra virgin olive oil.
- So you admit that you participated
in a system that just willy-nilly jacked
prices way up?
- Did I say anything about "willy-nilly"?
- I'm saying "willy-nilly." I'm saying "willy-nilly."
- I know, I'm not saying "willy-nilly."
[clock ticking]
- That's our show. Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week. Good night.
Come on, guys! Come on!
[cheers and applause]
Great! Great!
[bright tone]